WHAT POLYAMORY MEANS TO ME:
This might stir up a few people but that's ok, seems as though this blog is a good forum for that. For argument's sake, we'll make the assumption that most people have a very clear definition regarding all their relationships and where they stand: Your mom is your mom and does mom things for you, you have a friend that you go hiking with, the one you go drinking with, the one you tell all your secrets too, the friend who is like a sibling, the partner(s) you live with,...there are in infinite number of combinations here and most people in our society appear to have a very clear idea as to what a friend is and what a partner/lover is. From my understanding of mainstream society, there are 3 categories of important people in our lives, each having their own sets of rules of conduct: Family, Friends and Lovers/Partners.
From talking with others, there seems to be a line that you don’t cross or certain things you don’t do with friends and the same goes for being partnered with someone. It seems as though there are tons of unwritten rules depending on the relationship combination you picked or have with a person. This again falls into societal conventions I am ignorant about these days, even though I have lived on this planet for 40 years now.
Confused yet?
Personally, I don't like rules or restrictions. Don't mistake this for me not liking respect or respecting people. I am not good at just taking information in "just because" someone told me or because society does it. I am the type of person who needs to draw her own conclusions based on fact as well as feeling.
So about 20 years ago I realized that I didn't like these lines that were being drawn by people and I wanted to start removing them or moving them around. It was done on a subconscious level at first. I won't get into my whole life story, but I started exploring amazing friendships and didn't try to turn them into partnerships because that's not what I felt. Sometimes, it's just nice cuddle with a friend and it doesn't have to mean a walk down the aisle. Love (though I find this word oddly confusing most of the time because people use it so loosely) is not black or white nor is it always created equal. You love your pet, your children, your Ipad, your mom, your lover, your friends, you love that really awesome sushi place in town....you get the idea.
Years ago I realized that I loved people in different ways for different reasons and I didn't want anyone telling me it was wrong or that I wasn't allowed to express myself. I am not a person who is always good with expressing emotion, but everyone around me knows how I feel because I tell them verbally. I never understood why couples got jealous of one another because of the presence of another person. What is even more disturbing is that some people like it when their partners are jealous and I find this very unhealthy. Just because we are with someone, it doesn't mean we own them. I am a very loyal person and I show that to someone I care about, there is no reason for insecurity because everything will be laid out on the table, there is no mystery about how I feel or where I stand. Jealousy stems from insecurities and not knowing where you stand with someone. Usually.
So regardless of the type of connection I have with someone, there will never be any lies, confusion or stuff going on in my head that they won't know about. If there is any confusion with the connection, I am more than happy to have an open and honest discussion about it. Though not everyone is comfortable doing so.
By definition, I am polyamorous though I am not comfortable with labels, this is the best word explaining how I live. I don't sleep around, nor do I flirt with everyone I see and I don't have 100 people around me and currently I only have one main partner (though I have had two main partners at one time). I don't attend funky swinger or "key" parties either. My life is pretty normal. I have three close friends who I cuddle with on occasion though I only see them a few times a year, sometimes only once. Someone's gender or sexuality is also irrelevant to me, people are people! I stay friends with my ex partners because they are all awesome people even though our union did not work out. I don't believe in cutting people out unless there is no connection left or if the person did something horribly wrong.
I don't agree with being petty and jealous over silly issues or insecurities. If someone has a problem I prefer they talk about it over reacting in some unhealthy way emotionally.
I am also a loner in a lot of ways, so although I do need a lot of time alone, I enjoy having meaningful conversations and connections with people I care about, though at this point it is rather sporadic and infrequent. I can count on one hand the number of people who I TRULY care about deeply. I also rarely meet people I connect with or who are open to connecting.
I would not be tolerant if my partner said I couldn't hang out with someone because they felt threatened. Maybe I enjoy people who are secure with themselves and aren't looking for me to fill some empty gap or stroke their ego. My connections are very intellectual (I need that) and usually has some emotional aspect as well. By opening myself to others, this opens up new parts of me and I love it. As much as my partner is an awesome human being, he understands that I find a lot of meaning in relating closely with others. Sex can be part of the equation though it is never the main reason a person and I would decide to be friends. I can't be bothered with superficial connections no matter how someone looks or who they are.
I'd rather make a friend first and see where that connection goes, as opposed to meeting someone and blindly throwing them into some slot/label generated by the masses that won't fit what we have together. Maybe this person and I start out thinking that we want something physical but realize that it's not what the connection is, so we just go with the friendship until something feels right.
Since most of us were not raised in such an open environment, sometimes it takes awhile to sort out what the connection is and how to proceed from there. It can be lengthy but in the end, it's always great. Not everyone has an easy time living in a gray area as sometimes black and white concepts are easier to follow.
PHEW...got that?
So you can just imagine how difficult it is for me to try to explain all of this to people upon first meeting them. Either they run for the hills, they are happily surprised or they sit on it for a while and come back to check it out when they've had time to process everything.
So imagine me trying to explain all of this to people I meet. It can be a tad daunting at first. Few people are able to wrap their heads around it and it could be due to some conservative societal indoctrination. I always tell people just to do what they feel as long as they don't hurt anyone in the process and hopefully those around them will accept.
Though I may have a very small group of people around me (mostly not living near me), I am truly happy with those people and love them all dearly. They have enriched my life in so many ways in which some people will never experience and I am so thankful for this.
In conclusion, if someone likes me for me but is more comfortable with clearly defined relationship lines: friend vs partner and want to uphold this, I will respect it and will never push boundaries.
My life wouldn't be much if people I cared about weren't around. The rest is icing on the cake.
If you require further information on Polyamory, here are a few websites and books:
WEBSITES
www.polyweekly.com
http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory
BOOKS
Opening Up - Tristan Taormino
The Ethical Slut - Dossie Easton
Polyamory for the 21st Century - Deborah Anapol
